welcome to my mind =(

i define dying as a loss of someone who you love dearly. in short dying for me is having to break up with the perfect woman or having to watch your father die in the middle of the night. that is dying for me.

i feel like i am dying all over again. i know i haven't got much time left before she kills me again but i don't think i would want to die again after i died three times for her.

i know my friends keep on telling me that i do not deserve her and that i should forget about her and whatever relationship we had. but i say to all of you, you do not know how much i love her. i am very sorry for having done what i did and that i am always here for my friends. but the question i am asking myself now is, till when will i be here for my friends? till i die, maybe. i wish i was never me. i wish that i was somebody else for a change. i don't know why i am like this. however i try to change, i simply cannot change for anybody.

i know people take me for granted, and i don't like it one bit. but whatever happens i will always be here for them. i just don't know why is it that i am being taken for granted when i value my friends so much. i would gladly take my own life for a true friend.

a true friend.. does it really exist? do i even have one? if a true friend is described as someone who takes you for granted, then i have a lot of true friends. why should i love my friends who take me for granted? i don't deserve them. i believe i am doing the best i can to be a good friend to everyone.

i have a lot of friends, 2 of them became my girlfriend and one of them ended up killing me. though she may say that i am the one who keeps hurting myself, i don't believe her. because if i do hurt myself, i would gladly kill myself.

"all good things come to an end"

how true.. for me, and for almost everybody i know believes in this statement. i tell you all now, i have a lot of problems, none of them i could think of consciously, but i know that at the back of my mind i am trying hard to fight the urge to commit suicide.

i may be weird for other people, i maybe smart to some, i may even be cool to the few, but i see myself as a boy who nobody cares about. that is how i see myself. i don't even think that my real problem is the girl, i think my problem is myself. i don't know why i am like this but a lot of people like my personality.(i think)

but who cares about the 'other people' shouldn't everyone just care about themselves. i don't think that people should become popular just to win other people's attention, but i think that everyone should be of equal importance to anyone. i don't treat people for what there status in life is, i treat them the way i should be treating them. i was never fond of people arguing about me, of what i should have and shouldn't have. i am happy with what i have.

i thik i act like this today because of what happened to me when i was i kid...

i was never the popular kid in school. i was the kid who didnt care what the other kids thought about him. i knew back then that it would have some effect when i grow up. and guess what, i was right. i was the one always being teased at school, you would think that i am this bully when i was a kid, but you would be wrong. i was a pushover when i was in schol and i was never the popular one. i never took vengance to the people who teased me and made my childhood a living hell because i know that it would be wrong.

being an only child you would think that i got all the attention i needed. you would do good to think again. i rarely asked my parents for anything. i dont think they know but there were times when i was really envious of my nephew because he always got everything he wanted. in short, he was spoiled by his parents. i dont know why but i guess my mind was a bit advanced when i was 5 yrs. old. i can say this because i knew that my parents cant afford the things i wanted and that i, saving my breath and salive, didnt bother to ask them. because deep inside i knew what there answer is going to be. it would be: 'nak, wala pa tayong pera eh. next time nalang kapag nakaipon na tayo.'

back then i already understood what they were saying unlike the other children around our neighborhood. i was always the sort of child who would think twice before i would do something. i would think about the consequences if i did that thing.



*this are just random thoughts. you can just not mind it.*